Chris McElwain Terms of Use

The following Terms and Conditions (“Agreement”) govern your relationship to and all interactions with Chris McElwain, an individual (“Chris”). By using the website chrismcelwain.com (“Website”),  viewing Chris’s profile or status updates on Facebook, following Chris on Twitter, viewing his Twitter feed, interacting with Chris in person, engaging Chris in conversation by either spoken or electronic means, mentioning Chris’s name aloud, thinking about Chris in any capacity or gazing upon his glorious visage, you agree irrevocably to be bound by this Agreement on behalf of yourself, your agents, your privies, your assignees, your heirs at law, living and unborn, members of your immediate family, your neighbors, your co-workers, your postman, anyone you have ever shared an elevator with, and Mandy Patinkin for some reason.

PLEASE READ CAREFULLY. THESE TERMS CONSTITUTE A TOTALLY SERIOUS LEGALLY BINDING CONTRACT AND NOT A JOKE. BY AGREEING TO THESE TERMS YOU ARE WAIVING IMPORTANT LEGAL RIGHTS. YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE AGREED.

1.1 Ownership of Intellectual Property

All content that you view, hear, smell, grok or are made vaguely aware of during the course of your interactions with Chris McElwain, including but not limited to all graphics, text and video associated with the Website, Chris’s hilarious Tweets, short statements made by Chris by either spoken or electronic means (“Words of Wisdom”), Chris’s choice of outfit, the configuration of Chris’s facial hair, Chris’s name and the broad characteristics necessary to describe Chris to others (collectively, “Chris’s Content”) is the sole property of Chris McElwain and is protected by the Copyright and Trademark laws of the United States. You agree that no interaction with Chris shall ever represent a license to use Chris’s Content in any way. Without limiting the foregoing, you may not copy, distribute, translate, remix, be inspired by, discuss, mention or think about any of Chris’s Content without express written permission. You agree that by doing so, you will be liable for breach of contract, copyright infringement, trademark infringement, invasion of privacy, and horse rustling.

With respect to all content created by you during the course of your interaction with Chris McElwain (“Your Content”), you grant to Chris an exclusive, irrevocable, worldwide, sublicensable and assignable right to use Your Content in any way. Without limiting the foregoing, Chris can sell your content, create derivative works that misrepresent and distort its meaning or use it to blackmail you.

1.2 Disclosure of Personally Identifying Information

Chris McElwain may collect personal, private information from you during the course of your interactions. At the first opportunity, he will publish, distribute and otherwise make available this information to as wide an audience as possible.

2.1 Assignment of Property

You agree to an immediate, irrevocable assignment of all ownership, interest, and rights in all real property and chattels within your possession, custody, or control to Chris McElwain.

4.1 Indemnification

You agree to indemnify, defend and hold Chris McElwain harmless from any liability, loss, claim and expense in any matter whether or not connected to this Agreement and will pay for all costs of litigation, including expenses and attorney’s fees both reasonable and excessive. Without limiting the foregoing, you will be solely responsible for any cost incurred by Chris McElwain as the result of any civil lawsuit, administrative proceeding, criminal prosecution or parking violation.

6.8 Modification of Terms

This Agreement may be modified by Chris McElwain at his sole discretion for any reason, at any time and without notice. You agree to be immediately and retroactively bound by any and all future changes that may at some later date strike Chris’s capricious fancy.

7.1 Disclaimer of Warranty

YOU AGREE THAT YOU VOLUNTARILY AND IRREVOCABLY ASSUME ALL RISKS RELATED TO INTERACTION WITH CHRIS MCELWAIN. CHRIS MAKES NO REPRESENTATION, WARRENTY, OR COVENANT  REGARDING HIMSELF OR HIS CONTENT, INCLUDING WITHOUT LIMITATION ANY WARRANTIES OF FITNESS, INTEGRITY OR BASIC HUMAN DECENCY.

 

SINCE THIS SECTION IS WRITTEN IN CAPITAL LETTERS, CHRIS IS ENTITLED TO ASSUME THAT YOU HAVE READ IT EVEN THOUGH CAPITAL LETTERS ARE MORE DIFFICULT TO READ.

 

Without limiting the foregoing, Chris does not warrant that (i) he has your best interests at heart, (ii) anything he has ever told you is true, (iii) he will not steal your woman, (iv) he is not a Cylon agent.

 

7.12 Limitation of Liability

 

CHRIS MCELWAIN SHALL NOT BE LIABLE FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, CONSEQUENTIAL OR EXEMPLARY DAMAGES, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO DAMAGES FOR LOSS OF GOODWILL, OPPORTUNITIES, DATA, HAIR, MONEY, CHILDREN, BLOOD, LIFE,  OR OTHER LOSSES, TANGIBLE OR INTANGIBLE (EVEN IF CHRIS HAS BEEN ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH DAMAGES AND INTENTIONALLY CAUSED THEM), RESULTING FROM ANY STATEMENTS, ACTIONS OR VIOLENT CRIMES BY CHRIS MCELWAIN.

 

IN NO EVENT WILL CHRIS’S LIABIILTY TO YOU OR ANYONE CLAIMING THROUGH YOU FOR ACTUAL DAMAGES EXCEED THE AGGREGATE AMOUNT OF FIVE CENTS.

 

88.325 Choice of Law and Forum Selection

This Agreement shall be treated as though it were executed and performed in New Hampshire, using a fountain pen and witnessed by twelve competent adults and one monkey. It shall be governed by and construed in accordance with a body of law of Chris’s own invention.

You agree that any dispute relating to this Agreement, as well as any legal proceeding of any kind whatsoever that you are involved in for the rest of your life, will be adjudicated in the Commonwealth of Barbados, and you consent to the jurisdiction of and venue in the courts of Barbados.

88.326 Arbitration

Any legal controversy or legal claim arising out of or relating to this Agreement or any other dispute in which you may ever be involved, excluding legal action taken by Chris, shall be settled solely by binding arbitration. Any such controversy or claim shall be arbitrated on an individual basis and shall be conducted solely in the parking lot of the Best Buy on Howard Street in Chicago, IL 60201.