Untitled Document

Pregnant Woman astride a Grave

Chris McElwain

Characters-

Diet Mountain Dew (“Dee”)

Luann Corvallis (“Lu”)

Richard/Rodrigo

Vince/Victor

Waitress/Death/Dancer

Doctor

Setting-

San Francisco, in the recent past or near future

Scene 1. A pharmacy

Scene 2. All American Diner

Scene 3. The Memento Mori Café

Scene 4. All American Diner, several weeks later

Scene 5. The Memento Mori Café

Scene 6. All American Diner, several more weeks later

Scene 7. The Memento Mori Café

Synopsis-

On the run from the law, Luann Corvallis and her young companion, Diet Mountain Dew, must ask for asylum from an ex-lover, Richard.

Told alternately through the lens of Dee’s dysfunction, Richard’s growing attachment becomes a dangerous intrigue of sexuality, pyromania, and the terrifying dichotomies of existence: Dionysus and Apollo, despair and hope, Death and advertising.

“Astride of a grave and a difficult birth. Down in the hole, lingeringly, the grave digger puts on the forceps.”

Samuel Beckett, Waiting for Godot

(Diet Mountain Dew sits alone on stage.)

DEE

Diet. Diet. Diet Mountain Dew. Diet Mountain Dew. Mountain. Mountain. Dew. Diet. Diet. Diet. Diet Mountain Dew. Mountain Dew. Mountain Dew. Diet. Diet. Dew. Mountain Dew. Diet Mountain Dew. Diet Mountain Dew. Diet Mountain Dew. Diet. Diet. Diet. Mountain Dew. Diet. Diet. Dew Mountain Diet. Do. Do. Do. Die. Die. Die. Mountain Dew. Mountain Dew. Mountain. Mountain. Diet Mountain Dew.

(There is a loud explosion. Diet Mountain Dew leaps to her feet.)

DEE

(swiftly, frantically, almost shouting)

Hello. My name is Diet Mountain Dew. Yesterday, I went to the doctor with my friend Luann and this is what happened.

Scene 1. A pharmacy

(There is another explosion. Smoke creeps in from offstage. Lu enters, holding a knife to the Doctor’s throat. The Doctor pleads for mercy.)

DOCTOR

Please. I don’t understand!

Do the words “slaughter of the innocent” ring any bells?

DOCTOR

I’ve never slaughtered any innocents!

Then why do you have this little mustache, Hitler?

DOCTOR

You drew that there!

It’s always someone else’s fault, isn’t it? Nobody takes any responsibility anymore!

DEE

Maybe we ought to let her go.

Don’t meddle in things you don’t understand, Dee. This woman is a murderer. A mur-der-er. Fetch the bucket.

DEE

Aw, Lu. Let’s just let her go.

The bucket!

(Dee exits.)

Let me tell you something, Dr. Hitler. All life is precious. All life! Precious!

DOCTOR

I don’t know what you think this place is. We’re just pharmacy! You’re making a terrible mistake.

Oh yeah? Then what is this bucket of baby guts doing here?

(Dee enters with a bucket of oatmeal.)

DOCTOR

That’s just oatmeal!

Don’t argue semantics with me! You can twist your words around however you like, but there’s right and then there’s wrong, and baby guts are wrong.

DEE

And gross.

Stay out of this, Dee.

(Lu forces Doctor to his knees and pushes his face towards the bucket.)

Go on. Taste it. Taste your terrible crime!

DOCTOR

Can I have some brown sugar?

No brown sugar.

DOCTOR

You monster!

(Lu forces Doctor’s face into the oatmeal.)

Taste it! Taste those baby guts!

(She pulls the Doctor up for air)

Dee, set off the second set of charges.

DEE

I don’t know, Lu…

Listen to me, Dee. You don’t understand what we’re fighting for here, but I do. Just trust me and set off those charges.

(Dee goes.)

DOCTOR

Why are you doing this?

Justice. Karma. Divine retribution! For every action, there’s a reaction. Things happen for a reason!

DOCTOR

But all your reasons are wrong!

You’re wrong! All my wrongs are reasonable! Justice, Doctor! Morality! You can’t murder innocent children and not be punished for it in the end.

DOCTOR

I told you, I never—

(Explosions! The stage fills with smoke. Dee enters, covering her ears and shouting to be heard over the needlessly loud series of sound effects.)

DEE

Lu! I set off those bombs like you wanted!

Run!

(All exit, shouting. Lights change. Scene change music.)

Scene 2. All American Diner

(Richard and Lu sit together at a table.)

What the fuck is wrong with us?

RICHARD

What do you mean?

This entire generation. What the hell is our problem? Every time I ask about one of our old friends, all you can tell me about is how many bouts of depression and how many pills they’re taking.

RICHARD

Maybe it’s just me. Those are the kind of morbid details I just love. Remember? You used to say my portraits always made people look unhappy.

Yeah, but when you say that Rob had a nervous breakdown, what does that entail exactly?

RICHARD

Well, he was working as a computer programmer or something in Modesto, and I guess the pressure just—I don’t know. All I know is he quit and had to spend some time in a sanitarium.

What is that? Is that like a crazy-house?

RICHARD

No, I think it’s just—I don’t know, really. Anyway, I talked to him in February and he was doing a lot better. They’ve got him doped up on all kinds of pills.

Are he and Patrick still together?

RICHARD

Oh, god no. Patrick moved to New York like three summers ago. I talk to him on the phone every once in a while. He’s working in publishing I think.

No nervous breakdowns?

RICHARD

Two. One right before he moved and one last August. His alcoholism has gotten a lot worse, too.

What about Amanda?

RICHARD

Poor choice. She’s been in and out of rehab pretty much since you… disappeared. Married and divorced three times.

What about Debbie?

RICHARD

Wong? Oh, wow. Let’s see. She was finally diagnosed with obsessive-compulsive disorder and she’s gone on some medication I guess, but she was hospitalized for clinical depression, let’s see, two or three years ago. After that, I lost touch with her. Did you know she was a cutter?

A cutter?

RICHARD

Yeah, self-mutilator. I never knew. Carl told me about it.

How’s Carl?

RICHARD

Jeez, I’m sorry, Lu. I assumed you would have—Carl’s dead. I thought you would have heard. He killed himself about a year after you left. I’m sorry.

Well. I think that’s about all the catching up I can handle for today.

(There is an awkward pause, which Richard breaks.)

RICHARD

Do you have any idea how long you’ve been away?

Five years, at least.

RICHARD

Seven. And nobody’s heard a thing from you in five.

That’s a long time.

RICHARD

It’s so surreal to actually be sitting across a table from you. Luann Corvallis. In the flesh. You have no idea how hard I tried to contact you at first.

I’m sorry.

RICHARD

No, it’s fine. I didn’t mean that to be an accusation. It’s—It’s just good to see you, that’s all.

It’s good to see you too.

(beat)

Richard. I need a place to stay.

RICHARD

(beat)

For how long?

A week. Two at the most. We just need a—

RICHARD

“We?”

Yes. I’m traveling with someone. She’s waiting in the car.

RICHARD

Oh. Is she—I mean are you two…?

She’s a friend. We’re just friends. I’m sort of taking care of her. Look, she’s—she’s not all together, you know?

RICHARD

I can’t remember the last time I met someone who was all together.

Yeah, well she’s a little less together than most. We just need someplace to lay low for a couple of days.

RICHARD

Lay low?

Poor choice of words—

RICHARD

Lay low? Christ, Lu, what are you getting me involved in here?

Richard, I wouldn’t ask you, but—

RICHARD

Are you in some sort of trouble?

Nevermind. We’ll figure something else out. Forget about it.

RICHARD

Lu, why—where did you go? If-- I loved you. You know that, don’t you? I know you weren’t capable of loving me back, but I still cared about you. I still wanted you to be a part of my life. After I gave up trying to reach you—

(Dee has entered. Richard stops speaking when he notices her.)

DEE

It was hot in the car.

That’s ok, Dee. This is the old friend from college I was telling you about.

RICHARD

Hi. I’m Richard.

DEE

Hi. I’m Diet Mountain Dew.

RICHARD

I’m sorry?

DEE

Diet Mountain Dew. Pleased to make your acquaintance.

I just call her “Dee.”

(seeing the waiter pass)

Excuse me. Can I get another cup of coffee?

WAITER

Coming right up. Anything for you, Miss?

DEE

Strawberry Frapaccino. With extra whipped cream, please.

WAITER

Um… Is a strawberry milkshake ok?

DEE

No thank you.

WAITER

Will there be anything else?

DEE

You should really get your Frapaccino machine fixed.

WAITER

Uh… Coffee’ll be out in a minute.

(He goes.)

RICHARD

Diet Mountain Dew. I don’t understand. That’s your name?

DEE

Yes, but Luann calls me “Dee.”

RICHARD

Has it always been your name?

Tell Richard how you got your name, Dee. I’m gonna go get a newspaper.

(Lu exits.)

DEE

When I was a little girl, I had very serious problems with my lungs. I had to lay in bed all day and I couldn’t play with all the other children. The doctors said they could fix it, but my Mommy and Daddy didn’t have very much money and they couldn’t pay for the operation. Luckily, one day the Pepsi Corporation showed up at our door and said that they could help. They said they’d pay for my operation and all I had to do was let them use the back of my head as advertising space.

RICHARD

The back of your head?

DEE

(cheerfully)

Yes. While I was in the hospital, they gave me a tattoo on my back. Want to see it?

RICHARD

Yes.

(Dee turns around and removes her knit cap to reveal the words, “Drink Diet Mountain Dew” in large letters and the words, “Life saved by PepsiCo Inc.” in smaller letters, tattooed on the middle of her back. Lu returns, flipping nervously through the newspaper.)

RICHARD

Oh my god. That’s terrible!

Don’t let her fool you. She tattooed that there herself.

DEE

There’s one on my inner thigh, too, but Luann says I’m not supposed to take my pants off in public anymore.

RICHARD

What does that one say?

DEE

“Pepsi supports life.”

RICHARD

(to Lu)

Does she really?

Yeah, but it doesn’t mean anything. She had them done herself only a couple years back. I’ve talked to the guy who did them.

RICHARD

I don’t understand.

Dee has a very active fantasy life.

(The waiter brings Luann’s coffee.)

DEE

Thank you very much.

(She goes.)

RICHARD

How long have you two known each other?

We lived on a commune together in West Virginia. It dissolved last March, and Dee and I started… traveling.

RICHARD

How did you wind up in West Virginia?

It’s a long story. Are you still painting? Dee, my friend Richard here used to paint lots of pictures back when I lived in San Francisco.

RICHARD

Yeah, I am. I have a show opening downtown next month, actually. And, in fact, if you’ll direct your gaze to the wall opposite…

(He points out over the audience, Lu and Dee follow his gaze.)

That’s one of yours? I don’t know why I didn’t spot it right away. I remember the style.

(Dee gets up to stare at the painting.)

RICHARD

I know the guy who owns this diner. I think he agreed to buy some of my stuff just so I’d keep giving him my business. I’m pretty sure I haven’t come out ahead in the bargain.

(Lu takes out a pack of cigarettes and reaches over the table for the ashtray.)

Yeah. It’s a quaint little place. I can see you eating here. This is the smoking section, right?

(Dee has turned around to see Lu putting a cigarette into her mouth. Panicked, she runs over and swats it out of her mouth.)

Dee!

DEE

You promised!

Yeah. Yeah, you’re right. I did. I’m sorry.

DEE

You’re going to die! You’re going to die and I’ll be sad!

You know, not smoking isn’t going to help me not die, Dee.

DEE

Smoking causes death. It said so on the TV. You said you wouldn’t.

You’re right. I forgot. You’ll remember I was a little distracted when we had that conversation.

DEE

Don’t smoke.

I won’t.

(Dee returns to the picture.)

RICHARD

She’s right.

Yes and no.

RICHARD

When did you start smoking? You didn’t smoke when we—

I picked it up when I was in France.

RICHARD

When were you in France?

Spring of ’98 through fall of ’99. I worked as a shipping clerk for an olive oil manufacturer until I got deported. It’s another long story. Dee seems taken with your work.

DEE

I like the colors.

RICHARD

It’s black and white.

DEE

I know. I like both of them.

(leafing through an address book)

I need to make a phone call. Are you two going to be alright here for a couple of minutes?

RICHARD

Yeah. Of course.

I’ll be right back, Dee.

DEE

Goodbye. I’ll see you soon.

(Lu exits. Dee continues to consider the painting.)

DEE

I like your picture.

RICHARD

Thank you.

DEE

Have you been painting a long time?

RICHARD

Most of my life, I guess.

DEE

What’s this painting called?

RICHARD

(slightly embarrassed)

Um… “Quiet Desperation.” It says right under the frame.

DEE

I think it looks like a goose.

RICHARD

Yeah, I can see that, in a way. Maybe I should have just called it “goose.”

DEE

No, I like your title better.

RICHARD

Thank you.

DEE

I used to paint too.

RICHARD

Oh, really?

DEE

Did you know that?

RICHARD

No, I didn’t know that. I only just met you.

DEE

I lost my paintbrush so I had to stop.

RICHARD

Oh. You couldn’t get a new paintbrush?

DEE

Nope.

RICHARD

Why not?

DEE

I didn’t want to.

RICHARD

Oh… why not?

DEE

You shouldn’t keep asking “why” over and over. Luann says it’s immature.

RICHARD

Sorry.

DEE

I write poetry now. To express myself.

RICHARD

I’d like to hear some. Do you have any poems memorized?

DEE

My memory’s not very good. I have to write them down.

(She takes a napkin covered in illegible scribbles out from her pocket)

DEE

This one is called: “Rusty Knife Being Dragged Across a Chalkboard by a Dyslexic Cat”

RICHARD

That’s an interesting title.

DEE

Thank you. Would you like me to read it to you?

RICHARD

Please.

DEE

It’s a haiku. Do you know what that is?

RICHARD

Seven syllables, five syllables, seven syllables. Right?

DEE

Right. Only mine doesn’t have that many.

RICHARD

Syllables? How many does it have?

DEE

(looking down at the napkin)

Only one.

RICHARD

I see. What syllable is it?

DEE

Ee.

RICHARD

Ee?

DEE

Ee.

(There is a pause as Richard allows the beauty of the poem, and the poet, to sink in.)

RICHARD

Ee.

DEE

It’s not a very good poem. But sometimes it makes me happy when I read it.

RICHARD

No. I like it. I like it a lot. Ee...

DEE

Did Lu used to be your girlfriend?

RICHARD

No. Well, yes. I don’t know. Things aren’t always that simple. Lu’s always been very independent.

DEE

Tell me about it. One time she…

RICHARD

What?

DEE

Nevermind. I’m not supposed to talk about it.

RICHARD

Talk about what?

DEE

Nevermind. I can’t talk about it. Lu said.

RICHARD

Ok.

DEE

I like you. You have pretty eyes. Want to get a strawberry frappucino with me sometime?

RICHARD

Ok.

(Lu enters.)

No luck. I heard one of our friends from West Virginia was living near Santa Cruz now, but I couldn’t get in touch with her. Do you know Rob’s number? Maybe we can stay with him in the sanatorium.

RICHARD

Look, Lu—

He’s always been a skinny guy. Maybe we can share his cot…

RICHARD

Lu, I didn’t mean to suggest you couldn’t stay with me.

No, that’s fine. I understand.

RICHARD

It’s just very sudden, you know? And I still don’t really understand what exactly—

No. No need to explain. Dee and I can take care of ourselves. If we don’t find somewhere to crash, we can sleep in my car.

RICHARD

You don’t want to do that.

We’ve done it before. Don’t worry about us.

RICHARD

Lu…

Just shut up. It’s fine. It was good to see you though, huh? Trip down memory lane?

RICHARD

Lu, you’re staying with me!

Ok. Thanks.

RICHARD

My home is your home.

Don’t worry. It’s just for a couple days. A week or two at most. Just til we figure out what to do next.

RICHARD

I’m right around the corner, actually. We can move your stuff in right now if you want.

Yeah, let’s do that. Thanks. Let’s go, Dee.

(Lu and Richard gather up their things and exit. Dee has been sitting comatose for the last few moments.)

(offstage)

Dee! Let’s go!

(Dee rises and addresses the audience with the same terrified energy as before. Lights close in around her.)

DEE

Hi. My name is Diet Mountain Dew. The other day, Luann and I met with her old boyfriend for coffee and this is what happened!

(Lights change. Scene change music.)

Scene 2. The Memento Mori Café.

(The setup of the Café is the same as the Diner, but the feel should be much different. Richard, now Rodrigo, sits next to an easel. At the opposite end of the Café, Victor sits engrossed in his book, nursing a vodka. Behind the bar, a tall hooded figure, recognizable as the Grim Spectre of Death himself, serves drinks silently. Dee and Lu enter.)

DEE

Hello? Are you open?

(Victor tears a page out of his book and consumes it.)

RODRIGO

Come in. The Memento Mori Café is always open. Or rather sometimes it is open and sometimes it is closed, but when it is closed, they continue to serve me drinks and do not ask me to leave.

DEE

Oh. Do you have tea?

Jesus, Dee. Who cares? Let’s just sit down. My feet are killing me.

(They wearily sit down at the table near Rodrigo. He suavely pulls up a chair next to them.)

RODRIGO

My name is Rodrigo. Greetings to you, beautiful ladies.

DEE

Oh my. This place is so quaint. So very sophisticated and European.

Hi. I’m Luann. This is Diet Mountain Dew.

RODRIGO

Ah. And you are…

DEE

What? Oh! No. No. We’re just traveling together.

(referring to his accent which is ambiguously foreign)

So are you French or what?

RODRIGO

I tell people I am 36, but I am much older. Or perhaps slightly younger. When I was young, I had a goldfish named Salazar. My father beat me.

DEE

Your father beat you? That’s terrible!

RODRIGO

Before I left for the war, I painted him.

DEE

You painted your father?

RODRIGO

Yes. While he was asleep. First, I painted a wilting tulip on his forehead. Then, I drew back the covers and on his chest I painted…

Yeah?

RODRIGO

It was my greatest work. Nothing I have made since will ever rival it. It was a scene from an ancient revel. A panorama of satyrs and wood nymphs dancing around a luminous bonfire. The composition, the color, the movement was exquisite. And in the center, there knelt a single nymph. The memory of her beauty brings tears to my eyes even now. She was naked and her breasts swung pendulously under her supple and immaculate torso, as she bent forward, reaching timidly out towards my father’s navel. When he awoke, he beat me, of course. I begged him. I begged him not to bathe. Not to destroy the only thing in this world that meant anything to me. But he did. He stepped into his shower and my beautiful nymph melted away. Scrubbed out of existence.

DEE

You poor man…

(Rip! Victor tears another page from his book and consumes it.)

RODRIGO

(to Victor)

You disgust me! There are ladies present. Might you not halt your vulgar habit even for a moment?

VICTOR

Spare me your decadent bourgeois notions of propriety, you pig!

RODRIGO

(to Dee and Lu)

Well, now you have my own personal tale of woe. Most of us that wander into this Café have such tales. What is yours?

DEE

Oh. Well, we just stopped by the doctor, and—

Ixnay on the octorday, Dee.

DEE

Sorry.

RODRIGO

I would like to hear about this octorday. Allow me to buy you both a drink.

I’m sorry. We’re really not at liberty.

RODRIGO

Say no more. We all have our secrets, mademoiselle. But I insist on the drink. Francois, a bottle of wine. Red. And three glasses.

DEE

His name is Francois?

RODRIGO

It is that to which he will respond.

DEE

Hello, Francois!

(Bartender does not respond.)

What’s with the get-up?

RODRIGO

You do not care for it?

Can he see out of that thing?

RODRIGO

Either that, or he has no need of sight.

DEE

You mean he’s blind?

RODRIGO

Yes. Or he can see perfectly. Or perhaps somewhere in between. In any case, he manages. There is an old proverb in the village where I grew up: “There are none so blind as those that cannot see.”

DEE

That’s beautiful. And so true.

RODRIGO

Yes. It was first said by my great-grandfather many years ago. It is now our motto.

DEE

“There are none so blind as those that cannot see.” I must write that down. Do you have a pen, Lu?

That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.

RODRIGO

What?

What kind of motto is that? Why else would someone be blind unless they couldn’t see?

RODRIGO

It is a well known saying in my part of the world. I am proud to be descended from the man who coined it.

But it’s completely ridiculous.

RODRIGO

Well, what did your great-grandfather ever say? Has he coined any mottoes?

He probably went around saying a lot of stupid things too, but luckily everybody’s forgotten about it by now, and he can rest in peace.

(Rip! Victor tears off another page and consumes it.)

DEE

Your friend. Why does he keep doing that?

RODRIGO

Doing what?

DEE

Tearing pages out of his book and eating them.

RODRIGO

He is not my friend.

VICTOR

And I am no friend of yours, you swine!

RODRIGO

You will have to excuse Monsieur Victor. He has devoted himself to study and does not like to be disturbed.

Who’s disturbing him?

RODRIGO

Victor has always been disturbed and always will be.

DEE

Have you known each other long?

RODRIGO

As long as we both have been coming to this Café. Victor is a man of letters and also a revolutionary.

DEE

How exciting!

VICTOR

Do not scoff at the revolution! What can a degenerate artiste like yourself know about our struggle?

RODRIGO

Victor looks down upon me since I am not so widely read.

But why does he keep eating his book like that?

RODRIGO

I have never thought to ask. Perhaps he feels that by literally consuming his text, he can digest it more thoroughly.

VICTOR

Lies!

RODRIGO

Or perhaps he merely wishes to safeguard the information he has read so that no one else may benefit from it, destroy the source from whence it came so that the knowledge may be his and his alone.

VICTOR

Baseless reactionary propaganda!

But what if he wants to go back for reference? What if he forgets?

VICTOR

(frightened and angry)

I will not forget! I have no need of reference. The knowledge has been transferred from the page into my mind! Silly little bourgeois mutt, what would be the point of learning if it was impermanent?

DEE

I’m sorry. We didn’t mean to upset you.

(Victor tears out another page.)

Why do you keep doing that?

VICTOR

If you must know, it is to soak up the taste of this terrible vodka. The swill they serve in this place would not be fit for a king.

RODRIGO

I tried to paint a picture of Victor once, but he tore it up and ate it.

DEE

How cruel. Do you paint frequently?

RODRIGO

Painting for me is much like making love.

DEE

(titillated)

Oh…

RODRIGO

I see a painting in my mind, and I desire it. I long for it passionately. It dominates my thoughts. I can think of nothing else, and I will struggle, endure torture and frustration to bring about my vision. Then, as I am nearing completion, there is a moment of brief pleasure, followed by disappointment, guilt and a desire to paint something different.

DEE

How tragic.

RODRIGO

I am a romantic. Perhaps another bottle of wine?

We haven’t finished this bottle yet.

RODRIGO

Many things are over before they are completed, mademoiselle. Once a bottle is open, it ceases to interest me. Francois, prepare another.

(to Dee)

My dear, that jaw line. That stoic countenance. I must capture it, I must immortalize it. I must paint you, mademoiselle. I must paint you!

DEE

Oh my…

(Lights change. Scene change music.)

Scene 3. All American Diner

(Victor, now Vince, sits at a table with Richard who studies a newspaper intently.)

RICHARD

No. It’s not her. Look at it, the face is all wrong.

VINCE

It’s just a police sketch. It’s not going to be perfect.

RICHARD

You read too much, Vince. When I said Luann might be hiding something, I didn’t mean that she was an arsonist.

VINCE

Look at the facts, though, Rich. Two women. Twenties. The pharmacy burned down two days before she called you. And it was in Santa Fe. Didn’t Lu say she had spent some time in the Southwest? Santa Fe’s an easy enough drive—

RICHARD

It wouldn’t make sense. What’s the motive? Nothing adds up.

VINCE

How come she never goes outside then?

RICHARD

She goes out sometimes. Anyway, even if she is running from something… I’ve known her for a long time, and there’s no way. It’s just absurd.

VINCE

What about her friend?

RICHARD

Dee? That’s—Have you met Dee?

VINCE

We exchanged a few words when I stopped by your place the other day.

RICHARD

She’s simple. Completely guileless. Not someone you would accuse of secretly setting fires to local businesses.

VINCE

Simple? Just the other day you were calling her a riddle.

RICHARD

Well, yeah. A simple riddle. Like a knock knock joke.

VINCE

Ok. If this doesn’t worry you, that’s good enough for me. I just thought I’d bring it to your attention. That’s all.

RICHARD

And I appreciate your concern. But it’s not them. You really should spend some time with Dee, though. I find her absolutely fascinating.

VINCE

Proust fascinating or knock-knock-who’s-there fascinating?

RICHARD

She’s just—I don’t know. She’s different. Very full of life.

VINCE

She struck me as a little flighty.

RICHARD

She is, I guess. She definitely lives on a different planet than the rest of us. But it’s invigorating, somehow. I’m around her, and everything seems happier, brighter. I’m not a happy person, and there are times when I wonder if maybe she’s the one who’s got it all figured out. Maybe she knows something I don’t. And she’s a terrific muse. I haven’t been this productive in months …

VINCE

I don’t like the sound of this, Rich.

RICHARD

What do you mean?

VINCE

You’re falling for her, and I think it’s a mistake.

RICHARD

What?

VINCE

You’re getting attached. Clearly. You’ve drooled about her every time I’ve seen you for the past three weeks.

RICHARD

Well…

VINCE

Let it go. It’s nothing but bad news. How old is this girl? 18?

RICHARD

Older than that, I think.

VINCE

How old? 19? 20? Too young, Rich. You’re having a midlife crisis, and you’re only 28.

RICHARD

Lots of people don’t live past 56.

VINCE

This isn’t even a matter of age. From what I can gather, something’s wrong with this girl. Plus, she’s your ex-girlfriend’s ward. Or something. Plus, she’s living in your house. There’s something deeply unwholesome about it.

RICHARD

I’m not sleeping with her, Vince.

VINCE

Keep it that way, and I won’t worry about you half as much. How long are your guests going to be staying with you?

RICHARD

I’ve never known Luann to stay in one place for very long.

VINCE

Cute. Well, I’d best get back to work. Good luck with your opening.

RICHARD

Thanks. Do you want your paper?

VINCE

Keep it. Read that article again. Think about what I said.

RICHARD

Thanks. Are we still on for squash on Sunday?

VINCE

Sure. Give me a call.

RICHARD

See you later, Vince.

(Vince exits. Richard picks up the newspaper and gives it a second look. Lights change and Dee enters.)

DEE

Hello. My name is Diet Mountain Dew. It’s also what I drink. Maybe you like some other kind of drink, and that’s ok. That’s what makes us different. Everyone is unique. We like what we like because that’s who we are, and we are all special in our own ways. I am special and Luann is special and Richard is special, and I like them because they are my friends and they care about me. And if anyone tried to hurt them or hurt me or tell me I’m not who I am or I’m not special, I would have to set fire to them and watch their flesh burn and listen to their cries of agony as they felt themselves consumed by the flames.

(Lights change. Scene change music.)

Scene 4. The Memento Mori Café.

(Rodrigo stands behind his easel painting. Dee models for him. Victor sits in his corner, and Death stands behind the bar.)

RODRIGO

That is perfect, mademoiselle. Absolutely superb. This will be my greatest work. It will be a painting that will transcend the ages. Centuries from now, you will still hang in a museum and people will marvel at your beauty.

DEE

Oh, goody.

RODRIGO

Would you care for another drink?

DEE

Do they serve soda here?

RODRIGO

I do not believe so.

(Victor eats another page.)

RODRIGO

What happened to your companion?

DEE

Who knows? She’s very secretive. She’s always off doing secret things.

RODRIGO

And what secret things is she doing now?

DEE

Grocery shopping maybe. Or maybe she just went to the bathroom.

RODRIGO

Secrets are detrimental to friendship. Or to any relationship. I must explain this to you, for if you are to continue as my model and I your artist, I insist on total honesty.

DEE

Of course.

RODRIGO

And I, in return, will be honest with you. For people must maintain an equilibrium with each other, just as all things in nature must find balance. Let me explain to you, mademoiselle, something I have learned in my time about human relationships. Let us say this cloth is a relationship.

(He grabs the dishrag with which Death is cleaning the counter.)

RODRIGO

If the two parties pull away with equal force, the cloth expands.

(demonstrates by stretching out the rag)

It is a tapestry kept taut and stable by the tension of a mutual independence. A thing of beauty.

DEE

It looks sort of dirty to me.

RODRIGO

Imagine it without the stains, mademoiselle. I must work with what I have. In any case, both parties may also decide to collapse towards each other rather than pull away.

(demonstrates by crumpling the rag up into a ball)

“Mmm. Mmm. I love you so much. I need you. You are everything to me.” You see. Not nearly as attractive aesthetically, but nevertheless a compact and stable form. The real danger is that one party will pull and the other party will push. In such a case, your relationship can do nothing but fly across the room and hit Victor in the head.

(He throws the rag and hits Victor in the head. Victor cries out in shock and horror.)

VICTOR

Pig! An act of unprovoked aggression!

RODRIGO

I apologize, my friend. I was simply making a point.

VICTOR

What point could you possibly have, you ignorant kulak? You are—Oh no. No! No!

DEE

What’s wrong?

VICTOR

It’s gone! Where is it? It’s gone!

RODRIGO

What is gone, my friend?

VICTOR

Everything! It’s all gone! The names. The dates. The brilliant philosophical and political tropes. The well-reasoned arguments. The mathematical proofs. All escaping like vapor through my fingers.

RODRIGO

Calm yourself, monsieur. Allow me to buy you another vodka.

VICTOR

None of your poison, you… you parasite on the back of… bourgeois toad licking the boots of… filthy verminous dog not worth… even my insults are gone! I saw it once so clearly. The march of history. The paths of science and philology converging. All the pieces were beginning to fit! Now there is a void. Nothing but dust. Books burn. Tablets crumble. In what vessel can the truth be stored if not the human mind?

DEE

Perhaps you should have kept a journal. I write my thoughts down in a notebook every morning so I’m sure to remember them.

VICTOR

You! What do you know of the truth? Your very existence mocks it. You scamper to and fro and you crush the truth underfoot with your thoughtless frolic. You have no regard for truth or learning. I’ve watched you. You, with your soda and your disfigured back. Don’t you know what’s become of Diet Mountain Dew, your precious namesake?

DEE

What?

VICTOR

It’s gone.

DEE

No—

VICTOR

Yes. It’s gone. They no longer make it. People could not endure its terrible taste, and the company stopped production. The words on your back are meaningless. You are the priestess of a dead god.

DEE

No. It’s not true. They wouldn’t—

RODRIGO

(overlapping)

Please. You are upsetting the lady.

VICTOR

(overlapping)

Even gods die. Everything fades. Dreams end when we wake and are soon forgotten. Characters disappear when the curtain falls. Flesh decays and cities fall. Diet Mountain Dew is gone forever.

DEE

It’s not true.

VICTOR

Defunct. Forgotten. Irrelevant.

DEE

No!

(Dee attacks Victor and attempts to strangle him. Lights change. Scene change music.)

Scene 5. All American Diner

(Richard and Lu sit at his table.)

RICHARD

You’re right. I don’t understand! How can you expect me to understand something like this?

Calm down, Richard.

RICHARD

Who are you? I feel like the world’s been turned on its head. Since when are you an arsonist?

It wasn’t me. Aren’t you listening?

RICHARD

You said it was.

No, I didn’t. You’re not listening. It is my fault, but I did my best. I tried to stop her, but—

RICHARD

Stop who?

Dee. Who the hell do you think I’m talking about?

RICHARD

What? Are you saying Dee blew up that building by herself? Dee can’t make a bomb. She can’t even make a bowl of cereal. You fix her breakfast every morning.

Dee’s not stupid. Don’t you realize that yet? She can be perfectly lucid when she wants to be.

RICHARD

Are you saying it’s all an act?

Not an act! She—We all live out our own illusions. We all choose what to believe, who we are, how we want to construct the world. Dee’s just—her illusions are just a little more violent. She loses control.

RICHARD

Are you trying to use her—use her as some sort of patsy—

Richard, be sensible. You’ve lived with her for the past two months. You know her as well as I do. Think about it. You know what I’m saying is true. Dee’s a—Well, she’s a lot of things. But she definitely has trouble with fire. That’s why we had to leave West Virginia.

RICHARD

I don’t understand.

There’s nothing to understand. It’s a compulsion, that’s all. Sometimes she has justifications. She told me that pharmacy was an abortion clinic. She thought the farmhouse in West Virginia was making chemical weapons. She’s got all these fantasies, and sometimes they take control.

RICHARD

If this is true, why are you helping her? You should turn her in. She needs help.

I don’t know. I don’t know why. I can’t defend myself. All I know is that I was lost until I met Dee. I traveled from place to place looking for Christ knows what. Now I feel like maybe my reason for being is to protect her. To make sure no harm comes to her. How do you think Dee would like it in some hospital, or worse, prison?

RICHARD

But if she’s dangerous…

Well, you’re in the same boat as me, now. Are you going to turn her in? Turn us in? It’s easier said than done.

RICHARD

I don’t know.

I don’t know what things are worth doing in life, or if any of them matters more than any other. Everyone picks their crusades for their own reasons. Some people paint. Some people fight wars or raise children. Maybe mine is to shelter a delusional pyromaniac girl.

(Dee enters.)

Dee! We told you to stay home. What are you doing here?

DEE

I got lonely.

Well, sit down. We need to talk about where we’re going next.

DEE

I’d like a cinnamon mocha with chocolate flakes, please.

Not now. Listen, we’re going to need to leave soon.

DEE

Why? I like staying with Richard.

RICHARD

Lu, we haven’t discussed this yet.

We need to go. We shouldn’t have stayed as long as we did.

DEE

But what about the baby?

(Richard and Lu are momentarily stunned.)

What baby?

DEE

My baby. I’m going to be a mommy. I wanted it to be a surprise.

Dee, don’t be dumb. What are you talking about?

DEE

If we leave, Richard needs to come with us. Babies should have both a mommy and a daddy. Maybe we can be traveling musicians. Like the Partridge Family. Richard, Diet Mountain Dew, Baby and Aunt Luann.

(Lu turns to see the look on Richard’s face. She flushes with anger.)

You son of a bitch.

RICHARD

Wait. What do you mean? She’s not—Why do you think you’re pregnant, Dee?

DEE

I can feel it inside me. Grandma used to say a woman always knows. Also, I didn’t get my period.

You son of a bitch. When did it happen?

RICHARD

Only once. It was two months ago. You went out. You didn’t say why.

You son of a bitch! You didn’t even use protection?

RICHARD

It just happened.

DEE

We love each other!

RICHARD

Let’s all go see the doctor. We don’t know anything yet.

DEE

No doctors! They murder people. They’ll try to murder my baby.

(The sound of sirens in the background)

We shouldn’t be talking about this here.

RICHARD

Let’s go back home. We’ll figure out what to do there.

DEE

We can’t go home.

Dee?

DEE

I think someone set a fire there. It’s not safe.

(More sirens)

RICHARD

Oh my god.

DEE

We should just leave like you said, Lu. All three of us. We can drive all over the country and play music and be happy.

(Lights begin a subtle change. Perhaps scene change music begins to fade in. Death slowly rises from behind the bar.)

Dee. Look at me. What have you done?

RICHARD

Oh my god.

(Victor enters with a neckbrace. He rips pages from his book and tosses them into the air.)

VICTOR

Vicious Trotskyite sow. You cannot stifle the revolution.

DEE

Oh! The baby’s kicking!

Dee! Look at me!

RICHARD

Oh my god.

Dee, you promised. No more fires.

DEE

No, Lu. It’s fine. They’re not bad flames. They’re flames of rebirth. Symbolizing the end of one moment and the beginning of a next.

VICTOR

The march of history marches on!

DEE

(reaching out to Richard)

Flames of consummation.

VICTOR

(sudden despair)

Nothing is consummated. Nothing is ever consummated.

DEE

Fire and rebirth and Diet Mountain Dew.

(Dee turns to address the audience.)

DEE

Hello. My name is Diet Mountain Dew. Sometimes when I’m walking, I look behind me and I see a shadow girl who looks like me, and she tells me bad things.

My name is Luann Corvallis, and I’ve seen underneath that grotesque grinning mask.

VICTOR

Flesh decays and cities crumble.

RICHARD

I want to make something. Something that will last.

Wedged inescapably.

DEE

Tells me I could just as well make fires as make poems or paintings or children.

RICHARD

So many moments, full of beauty slip away.

Adrift in a wilderness of broken promises and squandered potential.

VICTOR

Everything forgotten. What’s the point?

DEE

Tells me someday there won’t be me, and then who will I be?

RICHARD

Forgotten.

It’s not a question of going mad. It’s all a matter of degrees.

(From this point onward, all four characters speak simultaneously.)

DEE

Hello. My name is Diet Mountain Dew. My husband and I love each other very much and pretty soon we’re going to have a baby. Our baby will be special in its own way, and we’ll feed it Gerber baby formula or some other kind of baby food if it doesn’t like that one. And we’ll get a house and buy Lysol to clean it so that none of us will get germs that will make us sick and die. I want to be happy. I want to make other people happy. I want the doctors to find a cure, to invent something so that we can all just be happy. Make all the shadows go away. Sometimes when I’m walking, I look behind me and I see a shadow girl who looks like me, and she tells me bad things. Tells me it doesn’t matter what I drink. It doesn’t matter where I work. It doesn’t matter who I love or who I marry or whether my baby is a boy or a girl or who I am or whether we’re rich or happy or famous or play instruments or sip hot cocoa. Tells me I could just as well make fires as make poems or paintings or children. Tells me someday there won’t be me anymore, and then who will I be? Pretty soon my baby will fall out of me just like I fell out of my mommy. And we’ll all be falling, one after another. Diet Mountain Dew. Diet Mountain Dew. Diet. Diet. Who is Diet Mountain Dew? Is that me? I am nobody. I burn and I birth.

RICHARD

(overlapping)

Hello. My name is Richard. Richard Roderigo Ricardo Robert Ripley the Third. Who am I? I am lost. I am lost and alone. Dee made me happy for a time. For a while. I want to be happy. I want other people to be happy. I want to be the person whom people like me aspire to become. I want to make something. Something that will last. Something beautiful. Something meaningful. I want to capture the passing beauty of this world and make it immortal. So many moments slip by. So many moments, full of beauty, slip past us and are forgotten. And once they are forgotten, they cease to exist. Now I’ve played the same cosmic joke that was played on me. I’ve created another human life to feed to the world. I feel suffocated. I can’t breathe. Help me.

VICTOR

(overlapping)

Hello. My name is Victor, and I felt it. I felt everything slide away all at once. I felt the inexorable march of history falter and slide back into the ocean. I was getting somewhere. I felt it. I was getting to the bottom of things. But then my mind was rattled, and suddenly there was nothing. I felt my tether had been cut, and I found myself adrift. A man’s mind is like a card catalog. He sorts and categorizes everything he encounters in life. Until there’s an earthquake and all of a sudden the catalog gets shaken up. All the cards get mixed up. You can’t find a damn thing. And then what’s the point of having all those books? Until finally someone comes along and sets fire to the whole god damn library. Everything forgotten. What’s the point?

(overlapping)

What the hell is wrong with us? Has the world always been this way or is this new? My name is Luann Corvallis, and I’ve been around. I’ve seen underneath that grotesque grinning mask. There is a shadow that haunts our every step. All I know is what I see around me-- Every person I meet it seems, all trying to cope with their desperation. Wedged inescapably between a culture that guarantees us dignity, identity and immortality, truth freedom and equality—wedged between that culture and an endless black void, adrift in a wilderness of broken promises and squandered potential. Left alone, trying frantically to justify the contradictions to ourselves. It’s not a question of going mad, it’s all a matter of degrees.

DEE

(alone)

I am one link in a giant organic chain, pulsating and stretching into a dark void. Diet Mountain Dew. Diet Mountain Dew. Diet. Diet. Do. Do. Do.

Scene 7. The Memento Mori Café

(Music starts. Focus given to Death. He pulls off his robes to reveal a female Dancer, who performs a solo dance piece, both beautiful and sad. Hopefully, this dance suitably transitions into an upbeat finale that incorporates the entire company.)