Super-closeup
on LUTHER’s furrowed brow. During the ensuing voiceover, we slowly zoom out to
reveal LUTHER looking up at his new residence hall for the first time.
LUTHER (V.O.)
My
name is Luther Caldwell, and I have arrived here in rural Idaho to begin my
exciting four year adventure through the world of academia. I’m told that Lake
Broner College is one of the top 35 small liberal arts institutions in the
nation according to some sort of well-recognized study. “The west’s best kept secret,”
says the admissions office. High teacher/student ratio, great library, and get
this: the second happiest student body. Sounds like quite the place.
CUT TO:
LUTHER
sets down a box and begins to sort through its contents.
LUTHER (V.O.)
I
wanted to go to the University of Maryland, like my older brother, but then LBC
gave me a full scholarship to come play football, and I figured: what the heck?
Beats riding the bench at UM.
MR.
CALDWELL enters with another box. MRS. CALDWELL is close behind.
This
the last box, Lou?
I
think so, sir.
LUTHER (V.O.)
That’s
my dad. He’s an ex-Navy Seal. Now he works for Naval Intelligence. He has
killed many, many people.
Well,
I guess we need to be getting back on the road. We love you, Luther.
Love
you too, Mom.
Don’t
embarrass us.
I
won’t, sir.
Have
a good time at college. Call us.
I
will.
Concentrate
on your studies. No dope. Go easy on the ol’ bottle, and for God’s sake, don’t
get any girls knocked up.
I
won’t, sir. Have a safe drive.
They
leave.
LUTHER (V.O.)
Well,
this is it, I guess. You know, I’ve always wondered—
MR.
CALDWELL pokes his head back in.
Oh.
And, Lou?
Mmm?
No
voiceovers.
Yes,
sir.
CUT TO:
Opening
credits are underscored by the Lake Broner Co-ed Choir singing the Lake Broner Hymn. The lyrics will change
slightly every episode.
There’s
a land that’s bright and shiny
Waters
blue and its foilage green
Full
of great majestic whatnot
And
it’s all so very clean
Hail
to the bricks and the ivy
Hail
to our gym so new
Hail
to the squirrels and lawns and stuff
Lake
Broner, we love you!
LUTHER
is under his desk trying to connect some computer cables. JAKE, Luther’s R.A.
(Lake Bronerese for “residental advisor” or “peer babysitter”) passes by his
door and decides to stop in order to show how outgoing and available he is.
JAKE
Hey!
Lucas, right?
LUTHER
Luther.
JAKE
Luther!
Luther, jeez, I’m sorry. I’m a total dork. My brain must be totally fried.
Luther!
LUTHER
That’s
ok.
JAKE
Right
on. Right on. Hey, I’m Jake, by the way. I’ll be your R.A. this semester. I’m
right down the hall if you need anything.
LUTHER
Thanks.
JAKE
Sweet.
All right. So, how’re you and your roomate getting on?
Empty
bed next to Luther’s.
LUTHER
I
don’t know. He’s not here yet.
JAKE
Huh.
That’s weird. Lemme look into that for you, Lucas.
LUTHER
Ok.
JAKE
Right
on. Well, let me know if you need anything. I’m right down the hall.
LUTHER
Thanks.
JAKE exits, LUTHER returns to his computer. A voice from offscreen: “Hey brother, you want a brew?” LUTHER turns his head just in time to catch a flying can of Pap’s Blue Ribbon. CHE revealed, standing in doorway.
CHE is an upbeat stoner-savant. Where Luther finds life’s absurdity vaguely disturbing, Che revels in it. Under all his eccentricity, however, Che is a fairly level individual, and this becomes the basis for his friendship with Luther.
LUTHER
Did
you just call me “brother”?
CHE
Don’t
sweat it, Hoss. We met at registration, remember?
Flashback.
CUT TO:
We
quickly pan across several students lined up to register: A guy in a sweater
double-checking his schedule, a guy with headphones and his hands in his
pockets, a girl with glasses filling out a form (a puff of smoke drifts by as
we pan across this last girl, and she looks disgustedly in the direction from
which it came), Luther staring with bewilderment in the same direction, and
finally Che taking a hit off a marijuana pipe. He exhales another puff of smoke
and makes a “rock n’ roll” gesture.
CHE
Woo!
College!
CUT TO:
LUTHER
Yeah.
I remember.
CHE
Looks
like we’re neighbors, man. I’m right on the other side of this wall.
He
bangs on the wall. We faintly hear his roommate’s voice: “Stop that banging!”
My
name’s Che.
LUTHER
Shay?
CHE
Che,
man. Like the Cuban dude up on every other dorm room wall. That’s what you get
when your parents are hippies, I guess. I’m lucky I’m not named Stardust
Moondew McGinsberg.
LUTHER
eyes CHE’s long hair and scraggly facial hair.
LUTHER
You’re
not a hippie?
CHE
I
consider myself more of a hipster. I
disseminate the hip rather than being held subject to it. Well, enjoy your
libations there, bro. I was thinking of passing around the ol’ peace pipe later
if you’re down.
LUTHER
No.
CHE
Hey,
whatever bakes your casserole, Chief. I got to keep making my rounds. These PBR
ain’t gonna pass themselves out.
LUTHER
Bye.
LUTHER
watches CHE go as if he were a curious but potentially dangerous animal. Just
as he’s about to turn back to his computer, JAKE pops back in.
JAKE
Lucas!
Freeze tag and popsicles out on the lawn! Don’t wanna miss out.
CUT TO:
Writing
on the chalkboard: “Republic, pgs. 1-20. Westhausen Ch. 7” DR. O’NEILL’s voice.
DR. O’NEILL
If
you would all come prepared to discuss the reading for tomorrow?
Luther
is in the second row, writing down the assignment.
DR. O’NEILL
Did
everyone get a copy of the syllabus? Yes, yes? Good. You seem like a bright
group, mm? I look forward to a productive and enlightening semester.
DR.
O’NEILL is gathering up his lecture notes, but as soon as he is done with his
closing remarks, someone begins clapping. LUTHER, and several others, look to
the back of the room bewilderedly: it’s CHE.
CHE
What?
It was a good class.
CUT TO:
CHE
and LUTHER are walking together.
CHE
So
we moved back to Oakland after my mom got turned down for tenure, and that’s
basically where I consider home now. Hey, didn’t you say you were from back
East somewhere?
LUTHER
Baltimore.
CHE
Yeah,
man, how the hell’d you get all the way out here? I mean, I’m a long way from
home, but I didn’t think they knew Idaho existed in Baltimore.
LUTHER
Well,
my track coach went here, and I guess he gave my name to the admissions office
or something, cuz before I knew it, they were trying to get me to play football
here.
CHE
Wait
wait wait. You came to Lake Broner to play football?
LUTHER
Well,
when it’s between warming a bench at some big state school or being starting
quarterback and team captain at Lake Broner—
CHE
Team
captain! You’re the captain of the football team!
LUTHER
Yeah,
I guess so…
CHE
Holy
Moses, man! I’m having a conversation with the captain of the football team.
This has gotta increase my popularity, like, tenfold.
LUTHER
(rolling his eyes)
Look,
I gotta go.
Luther
storms off. Che calls after him.
CHE
Wait!
Can you get me a date with the head cheerleader?
He’s
gone.
Someone
passes by.
CHE
Hey,
that guy’s the captain of the football team.
CUT TO:
LUTHER
What
do you mean the football team’s been cut?
COACH PHIL
The
athletics department decided it just wasn’t a good use of funds. Plus, we
couldn’t get a team together. You’re the only scholarship player we’ve got, and
not enough people showed up for tryouts.
LUTHER
What
do you mean not enough people showed up for tryouts and now you’re going to
have to cut the football team?
COACH PHIL
Has
anyone ever told you that you have an odd way of talking, Luther?
LUTHER
Mr.
Shellmeyer…
COACH PHIL
Please.
Call me Coach Phil.
LUTHER
Coach
Phil, I came here to play football.
COACH PHIL
Well,
I know you did, Luther, and as head of the athletics department, I want to
extend my condolences, but LBC just isn’t a football school. You’ll learn to
adapt. Look at me. I started out as a men’s wrestling coach, but it wasn’t
until I switched to women’s volleyball that I found my true calling. Keep up
the hustle out there, girls!
Luther
follows his gaze, so do we: 10 attractive coeds in surprisingly flattering
uniforms bob up and down as they continue a vigorous rally.
COACH PHIL
(entranced)
Superb.
Luther
recoils slightly.
CUT TO:
Luther
is on the phone with his mother.
LUTHER
So
he says that since I’ve just got a generalized athletic scholarship and not a
football scholarship, all I need to do is find another sport.
CUT TO:
Montage,
set to marching band music, of Luther trying various sports.
Luther
at the plate; he strikes out.
CUT TO:
Luther
in the pool playing water polo; he gets hit by a ball and nearly drowns.
CUT TO:
Luther
playing crochet.
CUT TO:
Luther
playing chess.
Checkmate.
Screw
this.
CUT TO:
LUTHER
Yeah,
I’m not sure I’ve really found my niche yet.
There’s
a knock on the door.
LUTHER
I
gotta go, Mom. Someone’s at the door. Ok. I will. Love you too.
LUTHER
answers the door. It’s CAT, holding a clipboard.
CATALINA
DE LUNA is a pretty but serious-looking girl. Her dark hair is tied back in a
no-nonsense ponytail. The “Give Peace a Chance” patches on her hemp satchel
belie her warlike attitude. Despite her tiresome habit of caring about things,
Cat is a thoughtful, well-spoken girl with a good heart.
LUTHER
Hey.
CAT
Hi.
I’m circulating a petition to urge the administration to finally change the
school’s mascot. Would you like to sign?
LUTHER
The
school’s mascot?
I
don’t know if you’re aware, but until 1972, we were called the Lake Broner
Savages, and our logo included a grinning caricature of an American Indian with
a tomahawk. After years and years of student protest, the school finally
switched over… to the Fightin’ Nez Perce.
Well,
that’s a little better, isn’t it?
Hardly.
At least “Lake Broner Savages” was cartoonishly racist. Using a specific
culture like the Nez Perce as an athletics mascot is completely inappropriate.
LUTHER
Sure.
I’ll sign.
Thank
you. I appreciate it.
As
he’s signing
CAT
Oh
my god! You like Milo Printz?
Luther
is wearing a tour shirt of Milo Printz, a musician with a small cult following.
LUTHER
What?
Oh. Yeah, I love Milo! I got this shirt when I saw him play in D.C. last year.
CAT
Oh
my god! I was at that show! I went to boarding school just outside of
Annapolis.
LUTHER
No
kidding! I’m from Baltimore.
CAT
That’s
amazing!
CHE
at the door.
CHE
What’s
amazing?
CAT
Oh,
hello.
CHE
I
just came by to show Luther this wooden duck toy I found.
CHE
is pulling around a toy duck on wheels. Cat is unimpressed.
CAT
Neat.
CHE
What’s
happenin’, man. I’m Che.
CAT
I
know. We met at registration.
Flashback.
CUT TO:
Sequence
of events is identical to the first registration scene, only faster. (It should
be noted that the actors, not the footage, speed up)
We
quickly pan across several students lined up to register: A guy in a sweater
double-checking his schedule, a guy with headphones and his hands in his
pockets, a girl with glasses filling out a form (a puff of smoke drifts by as
we pan across this last girl, and she looks disgustedly in the direction from
which it came), Luther staring with bewilderment in the same direction, and
finally Che taking a hit off a marijuana pipe. He exhales another puff of smoke
and makes a “rock n’ roll” gesture.
CHE
Woo!
College!
We
pan one more student over. It’s Cat. She waves the smoke away.
CAT
Excuse
me. Do you mind?
CUT TO:
CHE
Oh
yeah.
LUTHER
I’m
Luther
CAT
Catalina.
CHE
Hey,
like the island.
CAT
Most
people call me Cat for short.
CHE
Hey,
like the animal.
CAT
Yeah.
Well, I’ve got to keep collecting signatures.
CHE
What
about me? If there’s one thing I love, it’s signing things.
CHE
signs the petition.
LUTHER
Don’t
you want to know what the petition’s about?
CHE
Naw.
Civic duty’s civic duty, man. I like to keep my participation in democracy as
enthusiastic and as uniformed as possible.
CAT
Well,
that’s a very responsible attitude. Thank you.
She
leaves.
LUTHER
See
you around, Cat.
CHE
Hoo
mercy! Did you hear that sarcasm? I think I’m in love, Lou.
LUTHER
She
seemed nice enough.
CHE
I
tell ya, I go wild for these activist chicks, man. So serious and focused.
Sends tingles up my spine. Just one more fringe benefit of the small liberal
arts institution.
JAKE
pops in.
JAKE
Hey
guys! Greco-Roman wrestling and strawberry shortcake down in the lounge! You
should check it out!
GO TO BLACK:
ACT
TWO:
The
Wigwam is one of Lake Broner’s cafeterias, but, while there are dining halls
for students on meal plans, the Wigwam is a more informal affair. It’s located
in the Student Center, and students buy their meals individually, more like a
café or fast food restaurant.
LUTHER,
CHE and CAT sit at a table, eating and talking.
CAT
You
don’t have a roommate? How did you not get a roommate?
LUTHER
He
just never showed up.
CAT
It’s
three weeks into the semester. Have they tried, like, calling him?
LUTHER
I
don’t know. All I hear is through Jake. He just keeps saying the college is
looking into it, and he’ll let me know.
CHE
Creepy.
Do you think he was abducted or something?
LUTHER
Who?
Jake?
CHE
No,
man. Your roommate. This whole thing reeks of government cover-up.
CAT
You’re
an idiot.
CHE
Hey,
man, I’m not saying your roommate definitely was or was not abducted by aliens.
I’m just trying to spark a little hypothetical dialogue. What the hell is
college about if not the free exchange of ideas?
LUTHER
I
don’t think he was abducted.
CHE
I’m
just lettin’ the idea breathe, just a little… poof… just lettin’ it out there,
man.
CAT
shakes her head at CHE’s childishness but tries to ignore it.
CAT
Aren’t
you disappointed? I know I was really looking forward to meeting my roommate.
CHE
No
way, man. You’re better off. I mean, you’ve met Hank.
CAT
Who’s
Hank?
LUTHER
That’s
Che’s roommate—
CHE
(overlapping)
He’s
a friggin’ tool is what he is. A Grade-A textbook case tool.
CAT
What
is a tool exactly? I’ve never been quite sure.
CHE
That’s
just it! I didn’t know what a tool was either… until I met Hank! But now I
know. I should write a letter to Webster. Tool. Noun. Henry Murphy III.
CAT
(amused
despite herself)
His
name is Henry Murphy III?
CHE
Oh
yeah. Wouldn’t have it any other way. I asked him if he’s gonna name his own
kid Henry. ‘Of course,’ he says, ‘it’s a tradition now.’ Henry Murphy IV. Sweet
god, how many Henry Murphys does the world need?
CAT
I
don’t get it. What’s so bad about him?
CHE
(struggling
to explain)
It’s
not one thing…
CUT TO:
Closeup
on HANK. He fires one-liners at the camera in quick succession.
HANK
Did
you see that chick, dude? Hella fine…
CUT TO:
Another
time…
HANK
Isn’t
Dave Matthews totally awesome?
CUT TO:
Another
time, wearing a Yankees cap…
HANK
Yankees
are going all the way this year, baby. Woo! Yeah, Yankees!
CUT TO:
That
first time again…
HANK
What
do you think? Should I ask her out? Hella fine…
CUT TO:
Another
time…
HANK
Hey,
check out my new Palm Pilot. Check this out…
He
drops it.
HANK
Aw,
weak, dude.
CUT TO:
That
first time…
HANK
I
don’t know. What do you think? I mean, she was stacked.
CUT TO:
HANK
…Six
figures a year, dude. Mad bank. Mercedes Bens in the garage. Nice… shiny
things…
CUT TO:
That
first time…
HANK
Naw,
I’ll just play it cool. That’s how you gotta play these stuck-up chicks. Right?
Flip
to HANK’s perspective: CHE looks at him blankly, shakes his head, and then
walks away without saying a word.
CUT TO:
CHE
It’s
tough to explain. He’s just a tool. Take my word for it.
Speaking
of tools, COACH PHIL walks by their table and stops to give Luther a manly slap
on the back.
COACH PHIL
Hey
there, Luther!
LUTHER
Coach
Phil. Hey.
COACH PHIL
Saw
you sitting over here and I just wanted to let you know that figure skating
try-outs are this week, and I know you’re looking for an inter-varsity sport so
you can keep your scholarship.
LUTHER
Figure
skating?
COACH PHIL
Now,
I know it doesn’t sound like your style, Luther, but figure skating is actually
a very demanding athletic activity. And our team is ranked third in our
division.
LUTHER
We
don’t play football. We don’t play soccer. We don’t compete in track or hockey?
But we have an IV figure skating team?
COACH PHIL
Just
thought I’d let you know about the try-outs. How about either of you? You
interested in figure skating?
LUTHER
Oh.
This is Coach Phil. He’s head of the athletics department. These are my friends
Che and Cat.
COACH PHIL
Yes.
Yes. We met at registration if I’m not mistaken.
CUT TO:
Same
registration scene, but faster still.
We
very quickly pan across several students lined up to register: A guy in a
sweater double-checking his schedule, a guy with headphones and his hands in
his pockets, a girl with glasses filling out a form (a puff of smoke drifts by
as we pan across this last girl, and she looks disgustedly in the direction
from which it came), Luther staring with bewilderment in the same direction,
and finally Che taking a hit off a marijuana pipe. He exhales another puff of
smoke and makes a “rock n’ roll” gesture.
CHE
Woo!
College!
We
pan one more student over. It’s Cat. She waves the smoke away.
CAT
Excuse
me. Do you mind?
We
pan one more person over. It’s Coach Phil. He’s staring lecherously at Cat.
COACH PHIL
Say,
have you considered joining the volleyball team?
CAT
Why
are you even in this line?
CUT TO:
Cat
shudders.
CHE
Yeah!
I remember you! You’re the guy they doused in pig’s blood who went all psycho.
COACH PHIL
I
believe you’re thinking of the movie Carrie.
CHE
Fair
enough.
COACH PHIL
(leaving)
Be
thinking about a sport, Luther. I’ve got to get this squared away with the
administration pronto.
You
ever see Carrie? That’s a good movie.
CUT TO:
The
lights are off. We pan from the empty bed to Luther’s bed to find him sound
asleep.
Inside
his head…
CUT TO:
Slow
motion of football being hiked to Luther. He catches it. Fakes a pass, then
runs right. A black-shirted opponent tries to tackle him, but Luther’s
red-shirted teammate knocks him to the ground.
Luther
runs with the ball, dodging his way past two more black jerseys. The endzone is
in sight, but another opponent attempts to block his path. Luther rams a
shoulder into his face. Blood trickles from the player’s mouth. Savage and
bloodthirsty, Luther screams in triumph over his vanquished foe.
Several
more of his enemies rush towards him. Luther doesn’t even move. He kicks the
first one in the stomach. He punches the second one in the nose. He is about to
deliver a painful elbow to the face when…
There’s
the sound of knocking and a voice: “Hey, Luther, you still up?”
CUT TO:
Luther
groggily opens his eyes and looks with disappointment at his football lying in
the corner.
More
knocking. “Hey, Luther!” Luther gets up to answer the door.
It’s
HANK. He’s dressed for bed and has his New York Yankees pillow under his arm.
CHE is visible over his shoulder making faces.
HANK
Hey
Luther. You still don’t have a roommate, right?
LUTHER
Uh…
Yeah. No.
HANK
Would
you mind if I slept in your spare bed tonight? Che’s being hella annoying.
Che
mouths “tool” over and over again to Luther.
LUTHER
Uh,
yeah. Sure. Why? What’s he doing?
Hank
hesitates.
HANK
He’s
chewing loudly.
Che
throws up his arms.
CHE
See
what I mean? What is wrong with you, man?
HANK
Ok.
He’s eating cereal, right? And I’m trying to go to bed. And he just keeps
chomping away. Loudly.
CHE
You
weren’t even asleep!
HANK
I
think I have the right to be in my room without having to listen to other
people chewing—
CHE
Well,
I’ll have to doule-check the Constitution, but I’m pretty sure you don’t—
Jake
walks up.
JAKE
Hey,
dudes. What’s the problem?
HANK
Ok.
I wasn’t going to make this a res life matter, but if you must know, Che’s been
chewing. Loudly.
JAKE
Well,
uh, we’ve all gotta be respectful of each other’s… uh…
HANK
At
first he was just doing it, but then I asked him to stop and he started doing
it even more. On purpose just to annoy me.
CHE
Yeah,
I’ve got a complaint too, Jake. My roommate’s a tool.
HANK
That’s
another thing. Stop calling me that. I could just make up a name to call you.
Some sort of… name. So it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t make you better.
Luther
looks at his watch, still sleepy. He shuts the door. The sound of arguing is
muffled.
CUT TO:
LUTHER
and CAT are jogging together.
LUTHER
So
I don’t know. I mean, I’m getting to be pretty good friends with Che. And you.
But mostly, I just… I feel like I don’t fit in here.
They
jog by some hippies playing hacky-sack
CAT
What
do you mean?
They
jog by several students wearing medieval costumes hitting each other with foam
sticks.
LUTHER
I
don’t know. I’m having trouble immersing myself in the whole Lake Broner
experience. It’s like… it seems like these are all the people I used to pick on
in highschool.
CAT
(patronizingly)
Were
you a bully, Luther?
LUTHER
Not
a bully. I…
They
jog by a pair of students throwing a watermelon back and forth to each other
for some reason.
CAT
Maybe
you just feel more mature than these other Freshmen. I know I feel that way
sometimes. It makes it tough to really get into the whole summer camp
atmosphere.
LUTHER
Maybe.
Maybe I just miss football.
Now
in the distance behind CAT and LUTHER, the watermelon bursts all over one of
the students. Faintly: “Aw dammit!”
Cat
and Luther jog for a while longer.
CAT
So
are you going to stay with the cross country team?
LUTHER
Yeah,
probably. The practice schedule isn’t too tough. I just…
CAT
What?
LUTHER
I
don’t know. It’s nothing.
CAT
Why?
What’s wrong.
LUTHER
It’s
just, cross country, it’s not really what I had in mind.
CAT
You’ll
get used to it. There’s actually a lot of strategy involved in it. Like, when
to run fast and when to run slow…
LUTHER
I
know. I just… I just feel like something’s missing is all.
They
are jogging by an athletics field. Something catches Luther’s attention. He
falls behind Cat and slows to a stop.
From
Luther’s perspective: the lacrosse team is practicing. It is a surprisingly
violent sport. As players bash into each other, as someone takes a stick to the
jaw, as another player has to crouch by the sidelines to spit out some blood, a
look of wonder spreads across Luther’s face.
Glorious,
glorious violence. A choir of angels begins to hum in Luther’s head. Epiphany.
GO TO BLACK:
End of Act Two
Act Three:
Cat,
Che and TIFFANY are sitting at a table, discussing the role of language in
perpetuating gender stereotypes within a male-dominated society. Well, Che and
Cat are, anyway.
TIFFANY
is a cute, heavy-set girl with glasses. Her light-heartedness is instantly
likable.
CHE
Whoa.
Chill out, man. It’s just a figure of speech.
CAT
See?
That’s just what I’m talking about. I am not a “man,” and I take offense at you
calling me one.
TIFFANY
My
grandpa used to call me Joe sometimes. But he was senile.
CAT
It’s
just another example of why language is so important. By making a—
CHE
Hey,
“man” is a gender neutral term.
CAT
“Man”
is not gender neutral. How can you say that?
CHE
Because,
it’s been, like, co-opted in our modern vernacular, man. It’s a living
language.
CAT
That’s
ridiculous.
CHE
You
know Xena Warrior Princess? Your heroine of female empowerment?
CAT
What
about Xena?
CHE
She
calls chicks “man” all the time.
CAT
Xena
does not say “man.”
CHE
Yeah.
I saw an episode just the other day.
CUT TO:
Che,
dressed in a black wig and a leather brassiere, is playing Xena. He’s
accompanied by a beautiful blonde playing Gabrielle. They are looking up at
something big and scary.
Xena!
What are we going to do about that Cyclops?
CHE
I
don’t know, man. How about a kiss?
Oh,
Xena…
They
share a long, passionate kiss. Che looks very proud of himself and makes the
“rock n’ roll” gesture.
CHE
Hell
yeah!
He
pulls out a bong and takes a rip.
CUT TO:
TIFFANY
Did
they really have a bong on Xena?
CHE
I
don’t know. I was pretty high when I saw that episode, to be honest.
Luther
stops by.
LUTHER
Hey
guys.
CAT
There’s
another one! How many “guys” do you see here, Luther?
LUTHER
Uh…
CHE
What’s
up, Lou. This is Tiffany. She lives down the hall from Cat.
LUTHER
Tiffany.
Hey. We have French together, right?
TIFFANY
Oui
oui.
CHE
We’re
going to the fall concert at one. You wanna go? Cat’s in the choir.
LUTHER
Maybe.
I gotta pick some things up at the library. I’ll see if I can make it.
CHE
Alright,
man. See you there.
Luther
leaves.
TIFFANY
Now,
that is one good-looking guy. He’s gay, isn’t he?
CAT
Tiffany!
CUT TO:
There
is a sign that says “Lacrosse tryouts this afternoon.”
The
lacrosse team is running drills.
Luther
watches them from the bleachers. He has a pile of books next to him about
lacrosse. In his current book, there is a diagram detailing how one flings a
lacrosse ball. Luther tries the movement experimentally.
An
INDIAN, clad in a loin cloth and beads, sits down next to Luther.
Lacrosse
is an ancient sport. Very important to my people.
LUTHER
(stunned)
Who
are you?
I
am Norman the Nez Perce. Mascot of small liberal arts college for many moons.
LUTHER
(eyeing
the stereotypical garb)
Wow,
I guess that is pretty offensive.
NORMAN
Cherokee
tribes used to call lacrosse “Little Brother of War” because it was on this
field that young warriors first learned the skills needed to defend their
village. Goals were often miles apart, and games could last weeks.
LUTHER
I
see.
NORMAN
Do
you wish to be a part of this proud tradition, Luther Caldwell?
LUTHER
How
do you know my name?
NORMAN
(looking
out, listening to the gentle vibrations of nature)
I
am a guide.
LUTHER
What?
NORMAN
A
guide. I work for admissions office. You took a tour from me.
LUTHER
No
kidding.
Voice
from off-screen: “Ok, Group 2! Line up!”
LUTHER
Well,
I gotta go try out now.
NORMAN
Do
not be afraid of your inexperience, Luther Caldwell. Find communion with your
inner spirit and you will succeed. Remember, our first teacher is our own
heart.
LUTHER
Thanks.
Hey, what’s your real name?
Norman
hesitates.
NORMAN
(different
voice completely)
Uh…
Bruce.
LUTHER
Ok,
Bruce. Wish me luck.
NORMAN
(Back
to his Indian voice)
Go
in peace, Luther Caldwell.
CUT TO:
The
choir is singing the “Lake Broner Hymn.”
There’s
a land that’s bright and shiny…
Che
and Tiffany are in the audience, watching the performance. There is an empty
seat next to them.
We hear some hushed remarks from off screen: “Oof, pardon me” and “Oh, watch it. Sorry.” LUTHER squeezes his way past annoyed students to take the empty seat. He’s having particular trouble because he’s dressed in lacrosse pads and is still carrying his stick.
LUTHER
(whispering)
What
did I miss?
CHE
(whispering)
They’re
singing the Lake Broner Hymn.
TIFFANY
(whispering)
My,
what a large stick.
CHE
What’s
with the get-up, Chief?
LUTHER
I
made the team.
Someone
turns to shush them.
CHE
Hey,
congrats, Pal.
…Lake
Broner, We love you!
Luther
and Che join the rest of the crowd in applauding. The choir rearranges
themselves for a new number.
It
was an Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka-Dot Bikini…
CUT TO:
Luther,
Cat and Che are sitting on a hill overlooking the campus. Cat is still dressed
in her formal black dress. Luther is still dressed in his lacrosse clothes.
LUTHER
That
was amazing. I had no idea there were so many a capella versions of crappy pop
songs.
CAT
Well,
thanks for coming anyway. Congratulations on making the lacrosse team.
LUTHER
Thanks.
You know, the school mascot came over and gave me a little pep talk. It really
helped out.
CHE
You
met Norman the Nez Perce? Is it true he’s more offensive than Chief Wahoo?
LUTHER
More
offensive than Jar Jar Binks.
CHE
Whoa.
LUTHER
But
he did give me some great advice.
CAT
What
was that?
LUTHER
I
don’t know. Something about my heart or inner spirit. Sounded better when he
said it.
CHE
(looking
out over the campus)
Man,
can you believe it’s been almost two weeks? That’s like, what, a fiftieth of
our college careers already gone.
LUTHER
Yeah,
it’s beginning to seem more familiar.
CHE
Aw,
you’re so dispassionate, Lou. Think of it, 49 more of these in this great haven
of learning. Think of all the knowledge we’ll acquire.
CAT
Hail
to thee, Lake Broner!
NORMAN
(O.S.)
Seek
wisdom rather than knowledge. Knowledge is of the past, where wisdom is of the
future.
Che,
Cat and Luther turn in surprise to find Norman the Nez Perce.
LUTHER
Hey,
Bruce. What are you doing here?
NORMAN
Congratulations
on making the lacrosse team, Luther Caldwell. I know you will make my ancestors
proud.
CAT
Why
are you still wearing your costume?
NORMAN
It
is never the wrong time for school spirit, paleface.
(awkward
silence)
I
will leave you now.
He
goes, as mysteriously as he came.
CAT
Can
you believe the school supports something like that?
CHE
Didn’t
we meet that guy at registration?
CUT TO:
Same
registration scene, with some differences.
We
very quickly pan across several students lined up to register: A guy in a
sweater double-checking his schedule, a guy with headphones and his hands in
his pockets, a girl with glasses filling out a form (a puff of smoke drifts by
as we pan across this last girl, and she looks disgustedly in the direction
from which it came), Luther staring with bewilderment in the same direction,
and finally Che taking a hit off a marijuana pipe. He exhales another puff of
smoke and makes a “rock n’ roll” gesture.
CHE
Yeah!
Marijuana!
We
pan one more student over. It’s Cat…
CAT
Can
I get a toke?
CHE
Sure,
man.
We
pan one more person over. It’s Coach Phil. He’s staring lecherously at Cat.
COACH PHIL
What
firm, shapely buttocks. May I touch them?
Pan
one more over. It’s Norman the Nez Perce, carrying some sort of bucket.
NORMAN
Eat
pig’s blood, white man.
He
douses Coach Phil in pig’s blood. Phil stares in horror at his soaked clothing.
COACH PHIL
(in
tears)
You’ll
pay for this! I’ll be revenged upon you all!
CUT TO:
Luther
and Cat stare at Che incredulously.
CHE
What?
You have your version of events, and I have mine.
GO TO BLACK: